Conversations with Dad

My father and I were talking not too long ago about relationships. This was one of those out of the blue talks that you expect to not hear about in your mid twenties. He sat me down on the couch this past Wednesday and wanted to share some stories pertaining to my mother before they split up.

He asked me was I in a relationship before he began his story. I said no, he doesn't know I am gay! He began on telling me different things that my mom and he used to fight about. Things like: cooking, cleaning, shopping, spare time usage and a host of other behavioral things that came up in arguments and disputes. The base of the story is that not all relationships are destined for doom. They are not all glamour, peaches and cream either! He stated and I distinctly remembered hearing him say that each relationship is different and they each come with its own manual. Only me and my partner can read this manual and correctly interpret it. Don't look for anyone to explain your relationship because they will have you doing something you may not have done in the first place!

I sat there and I listened like a 5 year old getting a lecture from his parents. I was so attentive. I just received a life lesson! I thought I would share this. You never know who needs to hear some things sometime!

This Past March Affair

I had an old friend from myspace. I’ve known him for maybe a year prior to meeting him in March. Good Friends! Well he asked me one day Why haven't you been down to see me? I told him that I was so very busy with work and my boyfriend. He said well bring your boyfriend too!

So, I planned a venture to down south Jersey to see him. The three of us was to go out to dinner. When the time came, my boyfriend couldn't go. I went anyway. I get to the address he gave me and went to the door and gave it a firm knock. He answered. I had jawdrop syndrome! I walked in and sat on the furthest couch in an attempt to be good. Two hours later after much conversation he asked me why are you all the way across the room? I don't bite! I laughed and moved a little closer. I sat on the same couch but at opposite ends. He turned the TV off and asked me what was the real reason why I sat to the north of his south pole lol! I told him because I was attracted to him and I was trying to be faithful to my man. He asked you wanna leave? I said Nah. He said that he didn't think I was gonna be this attractive in person, and I replied I had forgotten almost what you looked like! Another hour passed and I said I need to get back home. We did the man shake hug combo and felt each others HARDNESS. That had to have been the longest hug ever!

Fast Forward... I never left that night! I spent the night and we did the damn thing 3 times! His dick felt so good. He was making love to me! For real for real, that was love! We expressed that we felt a connection growing. I made time to sneak away to see him and so did he to me. all March long we was creepin. I had fallen in love with him. There presents the problem, I'm in a relationship with someone who loves me for me but want to get in a relationship with someone I am more compatible with. I thought it fair to tell him about my HIV status since I hadn't yet after plenty sex scenes! He blew up! Enraged! He said I should have told him before and it would have been fine! We still would have messed around! I broke his heart which broke mine! I was depressed. I couldn't get any comfort from anywhere... I had to deal with it on my own just like I always have to do.

March has come and gone, I have chased a man out of my life that had great potential! Since He has no idea who this is and doesn't even read blogs, Shout out to you Mark! I really do love you!

Over Before It Started

I have been talking to this guy, outside of my relationship, for some number of months now. We have established a friendship that, to me, was borderline relationship. I would communicate with him everyday. We did the email thing, we did the instant message thing and we did the text thing. It was cool to have someone who finally could understand me from experience rather than acquired knowledge not derived from experience.

I liked his smile. He doesn't like his smile. He says it takes away from his "hoodness", whatever that means! He is taller than me at over 5'11" or more and dark-skinned in a chocolate tone. Not milk chocolate! He worked out twice a week. Not over doing it but keeping him fit and toned. I would not say he was defined but will definitely say he is sexy as all hell! He had broad shoulders with the muscular V as a body shape and that man v in the front leading to his manhood. He has a manly swagger. No sugar in his tank. I could take him places and nobody would know what the deal was. It was a change of pace from my boyfriend who was more petite than I. That's all I will say!

He gave me his number at like the third month, maybe fourth, into the communicative period. I never called, just texted. I only recently called him, about maybe 3 weeks ago. His voice made me melt. Deep, stricken with an accent and he sounded intellectual! He knew how to speak! We talked for about 30 minutes. It felt like so more. The entire conversation my face included smiles, big grins, laughter and rotated back and forth switching every few moments. It was a great 30 minutes I must say.

I am horny. It happens! While we have this friendship, all the while we flirt back and fourth. He has a boyfriend and so do I. My defenses were down and I was so vulnerable. I asked him to give him head. I new I could suck him off till he bust. I knew he would enjoy it. I knew he would say yes. He said NO! I said WHAT! NO? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO? He shut me down. I was horny and going through some things with the bf for the past week or so. I needed action and he denied me. I asked is that no a definite or is it like now isn't a good time? He said probably more definite. I am stunned and shocked. He goes on to say he really likes me. He thinks I am sexy as hell. If we were alone, I don't know what we would do and for how long we would do it. That's how much I am attracted to you! While getting to know you, I have grown more attracted to you. At the same time, I can't do that to your boy! He loves you and that's messed up if I came between that.

It's unbelievable! It's incredible! I was shut down! The conversation took place for an hour on instant messenger and it felt like an eternity. It really felt like a breakup! My heart was torn. The possibility for anything more than what was present was completely taken away! I was robbed! All I wanted was to be the dude on the side. That's what he wanted! He wasn't gonna leave his dude and neither was I.

Left to mourn what never was.

Left to imagine what might have been.
Left to pick up the pieces of what was never formed to break.
We parted and its over before it started!

My Friday Night

Friday night, I remember it as if it was yesterday. It was a traditional and normal day. I woke and went to work. I came home from work! No great detail in between, because there wasn't anything spectacular about it nor is the topic of the post! I got home and came online to check my messages.I had a message from some sexy dude. Intrigued, I click on his profile to see what he is about.

• 6'2"
• 11.5" dick and 7" thick
• Muscular
• Handsome
• Said he's a porn star

I am turned on now! Let me read this message and see what he has to say! "whats hood pimpin?" I thought that I should reply in a less than nice fashion because of the way I was stepped to! Then I saw that he lived in NY. I'm gonna play with him now! I said "I'm chillin ma dude. u lookin real sexy nah mean? So whats a sexy ass dude like you lookin at jerzy dudes like me? Here is the kicker... when I got a response, I was in silence "I'm in jersey. I been peepin you for a good min but I was scared to holla" I thought me? you was scared to holla at me? I'm blushing! He sends another message before I could reply saying "I live closer than you think too! I saw you on the train one day, and I think we live in the same city" At this point I forgot that I had a boyfriend and I was making arrangements to meet him at his crib. here is how it went down...

I called him and he said come up to the 3rd floor. I come up he greets me at the door, DAMN! This mutha fucka is drop dead gorgeous! I was turned out before any kind of physical contact! He said have a seat on the couch. I sit. He asked how I got down I said it don't matter. He asked if I smoked and I said nah. He told me to suck his dick and I said sure! It was nice and thick just like his profile said it to be. I have been known for havin a big ass mouth, but his dick had my mouth open all the way and his dick filled up every space and air pocket that was imaginable. I took that dick and I sucked and deepthroated until I heard moaning! All I heard was "yea nigga yea nigga" followed by some "oh shits"! I had this dude liftin his legs up! I gave birth to that 11.5 inch baby and I went to lunch! I made him yell like a lil bitch. Get this, he asked me, " do you wanna get fucked?" That blew me, I was warmin up to bust a good one in him. had my condom in hand and lube in the other while my face was buried in his ass. I came up and said yea. He puts me on the back of the couch! I'm so scared that I'm not gonna be able to take it. Its like afoot long dick! he lubes me up and he goes in. I'm like oh shit I forgot to tell him to put a condom on! He said nah man, my name is R.A.W. for a reason. I almost had a fit... he held me down and said relax! I tried and I did, but was still uneasy about the whole thing.

He is slowly thrusting while opening me up and it doesn't take him a long time. He is in all the way within 5 minutes. Holding my stomach and still slowly thrusting. He starts playin with my dick and says "damn u still hard? you must really like that dick! most dudes I fuck they are soft the enitre time I be fuckin them" I said "well when I see something thats sexy I stay on brick" He starts it rough now and I'm taking it. It felts sooo good. He pushed my nut out one after another. We move from the couch to the bed after my second nut and his first. He put me on my back, and asks me if I could take it like this and I said yea man, just gimme that dick! He took my legs and went in so easy! It was soo hot that I had totally forgotten I was positive, forgot he ain't have no condom on, and forgot that I had a boyfriend of 5 years! He pushed 2 more nuts outta me. it had been about 2 hours of fuckin now. I was about ready to stop but he wasn't. He wanted one more nut, I said go for it. He kept on going and my body had started rejecting his dick. He needed to nut soon cause I was about to show I wasn't takin it so good now! He pulled out and nutted all over my face.

I left, after cleaning up, and got back home. No questions were asked I didn't bring anything up. I felt guilty. I had the time of my life and can't go back for more! Or can I? He called me yesterday and asked when we was gonna fuck again!

About Me

Scorned to be positive, Destined for Greatness,Hindered by Circumstance! Its funny how life doesn't unravel the way you wish it to. Mystery revolves around choices, choices transform into results and there is only a 50/50 chance that you will get a reward or a consequence. The randomness of the world is frightening and prediction is futile.

Yes I am HIV positive and further information will come. I can be a bitch. I can be nice. I am a backstabber and a cheater! A double crosser yea, and a sneak! Do I seek compassion? NO! Do I need you to agree with me? NO! What I do want is your comments, criticism, concern, and remarks. I want feedback. I know what I am, somebody else is. I know what I hurt someone else has hurt. I don't want sympathy I want empathy!

I wish to simply vent the things that would cause me more hurt if I told the people I know. It would most definitely result in pain, hurt, anger, rage, bitterness and resentment. All of that is in me and needs to be released!