I liked his smile. He doesn't like his smile. He says it takes away from his "hoodness", whatever that means! He is taller than me at over 5'11" or more and dark-skinned in a chocolate tone. Not milk chocolate! He worked out twice a week. Not over doing it but keeping him fit and toned. I would not say he was defined but will definitely say he is sexy as all hell! He had broad shoulders with the muscular V as a body shape and that man v in the front leading to his manhood. He has a manly swagger. No sugar in his tank. I could take him places and nobody would know what the deal was. It was a change of pace from my boyfriend who was more petite than I. That's all I will say!
He gave me his number at like the third month, maybe fourth, into the communicative period. I never called, just texted. I only recently called him, about maybe 3 weeks ago. His voice made me melt. Deep, stricken with an accent and he sounded intellectual! He knew how to speak! We talked for about 30 minutes. It felt like so more. The entire conversation my face included smiles, big grins, laughter and rotated back and forth switching every few moments. It was a great 30 minutes I must say.
I am horny. It happens! While we have this friendship, all the while we flirt back and fourth. He has a boyfriend and so do I. My defenses were down and I was so vulnerable. I asked him to give him head. I new I could suck him off till he bust. I knew he would enjoy it. I knew he would say yes. He said NO! I said WHAT! NO? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO? He shut me down. I was horny and going through some things with the bf for the past week or so. I needed action and he denied me. I asked is that no a definite or is it like now isn't a good time? He said probably more definite. I am stunned and shocked. He goes on to say he really likes me. He thinks I am sexy as hell. If we were alone, I don't know what we would do and for how long we would do it. That's how much I am attracted to you! While getting to know you, I have grown more attracted to you. At the same time, I can't do that to your boy! He loves you and that's messed up if I came between that.
It's unbelievable! It's incredible! I was shut down! The conversation took place for an hour on instant messenger and it felt like an eternity. It really felt like a breakup! My heart was torn. The possibility for anything more than what was present was completely taken away! I was robbed! All I wanted was to be the dude on the side. That's what he wanted! He wasn't gonna leave his dude and neither was I.
Left to pick up the pieces of what was never formed to break.
We parted and its over before it started!
32 comments:
Hmmmmmmmmm... My questions I posed to you about your relationship still stand. You know what they are so I don't have to reiterate...
~Damnit!
Just wanted to show you I was here. I have to do more than scan this when I get home.
I feel your pain but unfortunately "dude on the side" is not the way to go. He did the right thing, like what happened to be monogamous and faithful?
Just let it go and stay focused getting the fulfilment from "your boy" like he suggested, else you might just check out!
Ok why are you still with your boyfriend? Why force yourself to be in a relationship with someone that you are hurting? Maybe I'm stepping out of place and you guys have an open relationship, but if not, what's the point? This is the 2nd post you have stepped outside of your relationship (give you credit that you only physically cheated with one) and it doesn't seem like this will be the last. You need to be careful and try to control your urges for not only your health and the health of those you are messing with, but for the sake of your relationship.
Im with Jay on this one. Why dont you just break up with your boyfriend? Your are really starting to irk my nerves right about now. You have HIV helloooo??? Dosent trigger ya brain before you try to engage in these sexual activitys. You are better then that. Stop it yo. You putting these dudes at risk an you having slip up like that. Thats sum ish you cant recover from. You playing with fire dude. You gone get burned. Well you already have. Give these people a chance. Let them know your status 1st. If they still wanna persue it. Then hey its all G but by you proprostioning dude like that knowing he had a shorty. You over steped your boundarys a long time ago when you started feeln for him. Then again when you asked to suck his dick. Im all outta words. I think ima start repeating myself if i type an dam more. You be good man.
X,
No where in the story did he say or ellude to the dudes status. Your assumption that he is negative is a stretch. He could be positive... The real issue at hand is WHY does he continue to step outside of his relationship? That's what he needs to address and if he is not happy and or satisfied with his dude, he should just end it.
~Damnit!
Not to get on b/c several people did the samething on the last post, but why do we believe someone has to grow up mature and can't make mistakes once they get the hiv virus? Everyone is ready to make this dude out to be this horrible person because he has this disease and still makes the same mistakes he probably did before he became positive. Yes we would like everyone to inform their partners of their status and want everyone to protect themselves when engaging in sexual activities, but the reality of the situation is we don't, and I truely don't believe its done out of malice. Hiv is a disease like herpes, chicken poxs and the flu dammitt, we can all protect others from catching it once we have it and know it, but in the heat of the moment, we might forget to put that condom on when we are receiving head, might allow that special someone to come over and hug up or might cough without covering our mouths. Mistakes will be made. But Allied, that doesn't mean control to make the same mistake, its on you to grow and learn from them.
I agree Jay.
@ Jay/Blaq/AiliedKnight
I apologize i tend to be one track minded at times. Its hard reading something an trying to look at it from all different angles. It just saddens me. I honestly thinks he/U is/are a good dude just make(s) poor judgement calls. I just think its the fact that he gets amnesia all of a sudden when it comes to him getting down and realizes after the fact. Thats not a good look.
@ Blaq-n-mild
Yea I was taking a stretch I just got upset. I read to much into it an ran with it lol.
@ Ailied Knight
I really wish you stop hurting yaself dude. I read your comment on my blog. ? was this before or after you found out you were HIV possitive.
Im gone try to refrain from being negative on your blog.An give you more advice on. I really hope these stories turn out to be fiction cuz shit, to be 21yrs old you doing a whole lot then me. lol
This person knows of my status. Has known for some time. I'm sorry do I have to let it be known about everyone I talk about on here whether i have informed them? But I guess to clear up any confusion I will in the future.
Why am I with Dude? good question...
Stop actin like you never caught eyes for someone who was married. Someone that had a dude, OR girl. You like who you like! You love who you love! It doesn't matter that they are spoken for. In many countries that wouldn't be a topic of discussion! All those wives and concubines that David had, PLEASE! Don't throw rocks at me! lol
If that was harsh, I apologize. Thank you Jay!
LoL No you do not which is why I corrected X about his 'assumption' to which he apoligized.
Ain't nobody throw rocks at you yo. And yes I CONSTANTLY see peeps with whom I find attractive. Hell I'm still a huge flirt and I got a dude. The thing is to control those urges. When you give into them, questions as to your level of commitment will surface.
Anywho, good post. As always, I look forward to the next. 1!
~Damnit!
LittleKnight
Its not about apologizing. Not by far, its growth. Everyone who wrote you and posted are all on the same path of learning to acclimate themselves of getting out of there own way. Take the time to realize and this is true of the universe. Anything that starts out in some shit, will end in some shit.
I see the situation totally in a different light. Personally, I believe that you should be so appreciative, and futhermore delighted that this dude has respect enough to not mess up the relationship that you two do have. I understand y'all aren't looking for love or what have you, but just the fact that he actually cares enough about you, that he would turn your efforts of pursuit down says that he has humility and the dude is suffice in character. He understands that to further get involved with you, would mean hurting more people than needs to be, and I think you should look at his position from a more mature, righteous stand point. Personally, if I was in this situation, I would be even more turned on by this dude because he doesn't want me...you always want more of the things that you can't have. I say...play it safe, and just wait. You never know where things could actually lead between the two of you; and hey, you might get so lucky...and get the dick afterall.
Oh, and I'm not dismissing the fact that you have a dude...if you really love ole dude like you say, then love him and stop being so childish about your relationship...I'm sure this is no junior high, puppy love for him.
Thanx for all the positivity(you're right i do get a lil shaky wit the vocals sometimes- i'm stil tryna perfect this thang! lol)
But ayI appreciate this dude, you've been chillin wit on the side for his intrgrity. It is a shock to the system when someone you want doesn't want to take it further than where it is, but I agree with him.He's seeing the forest instead of concentrating on that one tree he wants to climb, feel me? It does suck to have your bud nipped before it gets to bloom, but be thankful for what growth y'all did get to experience together. (damn i'm on a roll with the metaphors and such, huh?? lol)
It's always good to know that you have a good dude in ya corner whther it's platonically or romantically!!
Honestly tho, man i really really encourage you to either salvage or sever your relationship with Dude before pursuing anything else (jump-off style or long term interests)
I mean you don't have to be WITH someone in order to love them if the relationship is not fulfilling its ENTIRE purpose than you owe it to yourself if noone else to find something that can completely satisfy you. This will end the need for you to expend extra energy sneaking around, and avoid cheating on ya man and all the resulting emotional, mental (and, let's be real, potentially physical) pain that it could cause. I don't wanna see anyone hurt, in anyway behind some stuff that could be prevented. What's necessary is rarely easy but always advantageous in the end.
Hope I ain't say too much.
^^^That was the VICE PRESIDENT of SHADE ENTERTAINMENT PRODUCTIONS everyone!!! LoL
wait a second here... There is a company commenting on the blog? who is the president?
based on how you described the two of you vibin' b4 even meeting face to face, it's a good sign that he turned you down. Hell, that might make me even want him more. He did both of you a favor by not crossing that line.
but, i, too am curious as to why you're in a relationship that you don't seem to be fulfilled in.
Man I hope you are able to make meaningful contacts with men outside of the realtionship without having to sexualize the encounter. You have more to offer than just good head, and the people you meet have more to offer you than just their bodies.
LOL Shade Ent. is a fictional company Dammit! made up with respect to the fact that he and i and a few other dudes we chill wit have a similar sense of humor (quick-witted dry and sarcastic)
don't pay it any mind lol. or do...*shrug*
Anyway, i wanted to say man, i commend you and your honesty. So many people censor their lives and even their blogs (whether anonymous or otherwise.) Some folk just can't face the truth, refuse to relive their actions/experiences and patty-cake it down into a sugary watered down version that they can swallow at night.
I appreciate your candor, respect your courage and look forward to seeing your story unfold.
BTW Blaq is the Prez
Et Em... I AM the PRESIDENT & CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER (CEO) thank you!
Yall a dam mess. SHADE THEEEESSSS LMAO. I love my Peoples they are so dam geniune. Blaq is always reading which is very fundamental might I add. Jay need I say anymore lol. Omar a dam handful and thats all ima say.
SHAVE THEM FIRST!!!! ROTF!!!
Hell, I have nothin much to say lol. But I too look forward to your blog entries. Don't worry about whether they paint you in a good light or bad light; it's YOUR story. Take every comment thrown at you and use them to nurture yourself so that you can be the very best man you can be. (And I'm not an employee of Shade Entertainment; I'm just a part-time consultant lol)
ummm where can i sign up?
hell i wanna sign up to!, i don't think I hold rank!
Why is it that you feel the need to be in a relationship that doesn't work? Or at least from the outside, looking in, it appears to not work. I would like for you to blog on that shit on day. Seriously. Not being rude, just interested in why you feel the need to be in a relationship that doesn't seem to fill your emotional or physical needs. That's just strange to me.
Why do you feel the need to sabotage you relationship?
lol you gotta come chill wit us in order to sign up!!
Fuzz is a consultant like greg
haha hahahahahaha lol u r something else, the devil is in u and i'm loving it
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